MUSIC

 I have been dreading to blog about Music.  Anytime I think about writing about it, I chicken out.  The subject makes me so uncomfortable.  I feel embarrassed.  Awkward. Regretful.

I created a draft of what I wanted to say.  “I don’t have to post it”.  I can just keep it for as long as I can.  But deep down, I want to post it.   Then I don’t.

It all started in High School.  I joined the Drama Club and was having a ball doing Musical Theatre. I even won a few awards – still have them for proof.

I love Broadway.  The singing and dancing was all I wanted to do.  Back when I was a Teen, I was dedictated to anything Broadway.  I knew every show and every song. 

Once I went to College, I continued acting and did 2 plays.  Steel Magnolias and Diary of Anne Frank.   Those 2 plays were the first that didn’t involve singing and I was cool with it.

I just enjoyed being on stage.  

Once I got married and settled down, acting and singing was put on pause for a while. It wasn’t until I turned 27/28, when Music surprisingly came back into my life. 

I started singing in a band and doing a few gigs.  My life felt fun and exciting.  I was fulfiling my desire to sing on a stage for people.  I felt so energized.  Like I had a purpose.

Besides working and paying bills.   I was doing something cool and somewhat scary.  Lets face it.  Not everyone has the guts to sing on stage.   At this point I still felt confident about my singing voice.  I mean, I was invited to start a band.  I assume that means I have talent right?   We’re harmonizing.  People seem to like us.  All was going well. 

We even went as far as to record a demo. I really thought this was a long term bond and I was totally committed.

As time went on, life went on.  The band eventually stopped playing because life gets busy and I was depressed.  I never expressed it to the ex band members.  But I hated that the “Band” was over.  I felt cheated.  I was asked to be apart of something great. We did it for a few years and then it went away.  I was angry at myself for taking it to seriously.  I felt stupid.  I had bought a guitar so I can learn to play because I wanted to feel like I was contributing to something besides singing.  I started writing my own songs.  I really wanted to learn and grow.  Then we stopped playing.  Was it just a silly hobby on the side? I guess it was?  My idiot brain thought someone would want to produce us. Lol.  It felt like all that hard work I put into practice was a huge waste of time.  I know that’s not true deep down.  At the time it really was an amazing time. 

But, had I known the outcome I would have declined the invite from the beginning.   Nothing happened with our demo.

I still have my guitar and mics.  I still have all the music I wrote.  But something strange happened.

Now I only sing and play for myself in private.  I no longer share it on social media or play live for anyone in my Family.

I have lost the desire to sing in front of anyone.  I suddenly feel shy and apprehensive of my singing voice.

I look back to old videos and I am completely embarrassed.  I hate my singing voice.  I never did before.   But the truth, I am not the greatest singer.

I really think back then, I just got by with little talent and my closest friends were just being nice and supportive out of kindness.

The reason I feel this way is because no one in my Family or Friends have ever asked me to perform.  NEVER.  When I think back to the times I performed with the band, well sure, people came to see me sing.  We had a show.   So they came.  That’s great.  I really did appreciate it.  But no one has asked me to sing ever. Lol.  I just have to laugh about it.

I’m 42 years old now and still….no one is asking me to perform a song for them.  I took it as a BIG hint.  No ….one…..gives a flying you know what.  Singing is just not for me.  And that’s okay.  I had my time and enjoyed it very much. I’ll continue to write and play my guitar for fun.  I’ll practice in private.  But I can’t see myself ever getting on stage to sing with a mic in my hand again.    

You’ll still find me dancing and singing along at every concert.   I still respect and follow my favorite artists. I still love my Guitar.

I just needed to write about it today.  Find closure.  Music was everything to me at one point.  But I realize Music isn’t everything.  And that’s okay.