Daddy Wasn’t There.
My Mother filed for divorce when I was only 2 years old. The main reason for the split was because my Dad was an alcoholic.
When my parents were dating, my Mom was warned by Family and Friends that my Dad had a drinking problem. But she never noticed while they were dating, so she figured people were being dramatic. Once they were married, that’s when my Mom noticed that my Dad just couldn’t have 1 drink. He drank until he passed out the next day in the middle of the living room floor. By the time I was 2, my Mom had enough and asked my Dad to leave. She couldn’t take him coming home drunk and picking me up from the crib. She was afraid he would drop me. It became all too stressful for my Mother to handle. I can’t blame her.
My earliest memory of my Dad was my 5th Birthday party. He would come in and go out of my life at random times. I was 5, then 7, then 10, 14yrs old and then a big jump to when I was 30. I’m 42’ now and I haven’t seen or spoken to my Father in 12 years. I don’t hate him. I pity him at times. I’m sure he’s not 100% alone but I think its sad that we don’t have a good Father/Daughter relationship. Dealing with my Dad is exhausting. He expects me to go over and beyond for him. He wants respect and love but for a price. He constantly told me how to address him on the phone. Quite literally. What words to say….how to phrase them. I couldn’t stand it.
So I stopped calling. I stopped writing. I just stopped……. He never reached out either and I was relieved. Time moved on and my life was much happier.
My Fathers last visit to FL was in 2012. At the time, I was singing in a Band. We had a few gigs and my Dad was in town to see us perform. My Mother was there that same night.
While at the bar, my Dad had a few drinks and fell right in front of us while we were on stage. “Fell” is too kind. More like he crashed and burned on the coffee table, spilled drinks on the surrounding guests and almost ruined our last set. We kept performing while people around the bar picked up my Dad and cleaned off the table.
I wasn’t even embarrassed or surprised. In fact, I was pretty happy about it. I felt enjoyment seeing him fall. I’m not a Monster.
You must see it from my point of view. Imagine spending YEARS telling people the tall tales of your drunk Dad. Complaining about “My Dad was never there”.
People who have never met him. They didn’t really know.
They didn’t see him throwing up blood and going to the Hospital when I was only 5. They didn’t know when he was placed in a mental hospital because the doctors couldn’t get my Dad under control when he was drunk. Why I stopped talking to him…... For years I had people trying to make me feel bad for feeling that resentment. Why is it always my fault? Why do I have to be the bigger person? I was just an innocent kid. Why isn’t anyone lecturing my Dad?
So yes, when he fell that night while I was on stage singing, I thought THERE, you all finally see what I’ve been talking about. That’s my Dad, who he really is inside.
He will never change. Not for me. And certainly not for himself.
I have no idea if he continues to drink till this day. But I have a gut feeling he will never stop. It’s a miracle he has lasted this long. I assume he has cut back a lot.
But I can never picture my Dad 100% sober. He remains in NYC, and I don’t know If anyone will contact me if and when he passes away. He’s not on any social media and I can’t even locate his present location online. He’s like a Ghost. I doubt he will ever see my blog or reach out again. I do wish him well. I hope he’s happy, healthy and is surrounded by those who love him.
Anyways, having said ALL of that. Not having a consistent Father in my life has molded me into the Woman I am today. I am self-sufficient. Organized. Reliable and most of all, I love unconditionally. I handle my own business and I’m really happy. I had a loving childhood. My Mother and Grandmother raised me. My 2 older Brothers made sure I finished school and didn’t do drugs. And now I have an amazing Husband who is caring and supportive.
I will never know what its like to have a dad take me to school. Pay for my college or 1st car. Hell, even pay for my wedding. I did it all on my own.
I know no one has the perfect life. We all want something we can’t have. I just wonder how different I would have turned out if I had my Dad in my life 100%.
So if you’re out there with “Daddy issues”, I totally get it. And if you’re out there not giving a flying bleep about it, I don’t blame you either.
We all handle emotions on our way. Keep movin’, keep groovin’.
