It’s not my fault.

When you suffer from anxiety and depression like I do - you tend to think everything is your fault.   Anytime something goes wrong, I think - I should have seen this coming.  This could have been avoided. I beat myself up when things go wrong. I don’t like it when my Family is in pain.   There are times where I feel down and I wish I could give them a better life.    A less stressful life.  And I don’t know where that comes from?  The need to have perfection.  The need to avoid catastrophe.  Why do I beat myself up when life gets hard ? Complete and total happiness 24/7 isn’t reality.  The anxiety and worry of someone else’s happiness is not my responsibility.  But for some reason, I hold myself accountable. I have this need to make people happy. I really need to let that go. I am not perfect. Life is hard. Things happen. All I can do is live the best life I can.

One day, I will have a home of my own again. I will have my privacy. My own Zen space again. I just need to be patient. I need to hang in there and hope for the best. Fake it until I make it.