The Real Me
It took a full year for me to heal. It took that long to forgive myself of past mistakes. A year to finally talk about what hurt me the most.
Losing my Best Friend.
It started January 1, 2023. New Years Day. The day I sent my last text to my Bestie and told her I would stay out of her life…I really felt horrible for what was said and done, and I meant it…I really should stay away…..mind my own business and felt she was better off without me.
She never responded after I sent my text. Let me tell you. That was a hard pill to swallow.
She didn’t fight for it. It was clear she was happy with my decision to stay away and that hurt even more. She was probably relieved.
I’ve made mistakes. She’s made mistakes. And it felt so unfair that she made me feel like my mistakes were greater than hers. I felt numb and destroyed. I spent the next few days and months wondering if I would hear from her again. 6 months flew by and still nothing. Here we are in November of 2023 – not a peep.
I finally accepted the fact, that I will most likely never see her again. 10+ years of friendship and memories– gone. As if it never happened. But lets get back to early January.
I started Therapy soon after we stopped talking. And what’s crazy, I never even brought “Her” up to my Therapist in any of my sessions. Not once. It was in the back of my mind like a hidden secret. The shame. The pain. How do I tell a stranger about cutting off a long time Friend. I mean, I don’t want to look bad. It would be easier if I was completely innocent. But that’s not the truth. I gossiped about my Best Friend to others. I pretended to support her in the good and the bad. But deep down, I kinda disliked her at times. How can I tell my Therapist all of that……. without her judging me?
So instead, we talked about my childhood. My Alcoholic Dad. Why I am- what I am…. sort of thing. I was hoping to find the problem myself and deal with it on my own. I did learn a lot in therapy, but I was still very depressed for months. My emotions bled into my marriage and my work life. It caused a lot of issues for a small period of time.
I did talk to Family and Friends about it and didn’t help. No matter how supportive they were. They were all on my side and said “Good Riddance, she knows she’s not perfect either”. But It didn’t help. Because I know the saddest thing in the world, I lost a good Friend because I wasn’t honest with her. And I felt like we both invested our time and Love to a friendship that may have been doomed from the beginning.
Here are a few examples on how I adjusted my personality to avoid any conflict or disruption of our Friendship.
I pretended to like movies she loved. You can throw in music too.
I offered my help many times to appear friendly. But secretly didn’t want to be bother with anything major.
I spent more money on her (Gifts- Christmas and Birthdays) than anyone else just to maintain Best Friend status.
I pretended to enjoy corn hole and beer pong. I hated playing those games.
There is more but you get the gist. Yes, I was very fake. And I don’t know why I behaved that way? I think I just wanted to have a best friend so badly. I’m a people pleaser – which my Therapist pointed out. I tend to go over and beyond for people just so they like me and tell others what an amazing person I am. I wanted her to think I was #1. I was hoping that out of all her friends, I was the best. And I really thought I was…I put so much pressure on myself, things just fell apart. When I found out she was keeping a big secret from me, I couldn’t take it. It ruined my ego. I understand she was going through her own problems in life. I doubt she even cared she was lying to me at the time.
And that’s when it hit me. I wasted so much of my time pretending to be this great friend and it was all for nothing.
I created this fake personality and now I can’t continue with the charade.
Once her lie was out in the open, I didn’t have the energy to be fake nice to her anymore. I couldn’t support her life choices. I couldn’t pretend to back her up. I judged her harshly. I still do. I couldn’t forgive the lie she kept from me. I am not perfect. I too have my opinions on certain matters and just couldn’t pretend anymore. I finally showed her who I really am. I’m not the same friend she knew all those years, that went ahead with anything she did. I couldn’t be there for her. I didn’t want to.
I finally gave up and said…It’s better that I stay out of your life. Because I can’t be that fake supportive person anymore. Call it selfish I really don’t care. We are all selfish. We lie. We make mistakes. And I guess she and I couldn’t forgive each other. Too much damage was done.
So, it’s been almost a year. I am finally healed to talk about that part in my life. I can now tell the story without a frog in my throat. Breaking up a friendship was the hardest thing I have ever experienced. It was very, very painful on my end. But the relief to be myself 100%, unfiltered, being true to who I am….is the greatest feeling in my life.
I am no longer angry at her. If anything, I wish her the best. But I do not wish to reconcile. I believe her silence for the last 11 months proves she feels the same way about me. I have had people ask me….”what would you do if she reached out to you?”. My answer, “I really don’t know?” Because I don’t think she has ever met the real me before. I don’t think we would be compatible as friends. Maybe down the road in passing? Who knows. But I won’t be the one to make the first move. I sent her my last text in January. And I won’t be texting her anymore.
These days I am a lot happier. I overcame lots of obstacles in 2023. Losing my best friend was just 1 of many. My Aunt died. My marriage was on a rocks for a few months. My Mom was in and out of the hospital. Family arguments. Moving and selling my house. Threatened lawsuits. You name it. And I got through all of it without my ex best friend. I learned to take care of myself emotionally. I lived my life without her and survived. So I am Blessed and grateful.
'It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.'
