Depressed and Angry

My Halloween plans are ruined unexpectedly.  My Mom fell ill and was in the hospital. She is home now, thank the Lord. But Im still worried since she appears very weak and dizzy. She needs help going to the bathroom and showering.    The stress has been overwhelming.  I’m not nurse material.

I cried all weekend.  I had to cancel my Orlando vacation trip to Halloween Horror Nights.   I can’t leave town knowing my mom is not well.  I don’t want my Step Dad to deal with the situation all on his own.  Between taking care of my Mom, our Dog and the house, its just too much.   So we decided to cancel and my heart is broken.    I had to tell our friends, who were planning to meet us there, the bad news.  I feel like a bad friend.   I feel like a selfish Daughter.  This whole year has been work work work.  Between selling our home, moving into my Mothers and working non stop…..I haven’t had time to relax with my Husband.  We have zero privacy at my Mothers house and I’ll I wanted to do was have a nice getaway so we can reconnect.

Now all we do it fight.  About our marriage.  Lack of privacy.  Lack of relaxation.   We are both severely depressed.   I feel like I have no one to talk to.  I lost my Therapist (that’s another story).  I can’t talk to my Husband because he has his own issues.   I don’t know who to turn to for guidance.   I feel so alone when I know Im not.   I just dont want to burden anyone with my problems.

I cancelled our Halloween party as well.  I am simply too depressed and angry to throw a party. 

I don’t know what’s wrong with my Mother?  She is like a ticking time bomb.  She came back from the hospital very weak and dizzy.  Her blood pressure is all over the place.  I cant relax when she’s this ill.  Deep down I am terrified.  I don’t want to lose her.  I’m just not ready to face it. Shes 76 but shes acting like shes 96. Its all too much and I cant enjoy my favorite time of year. Im so angry and resentful.

Months and months of vacation prep and I had to cancel. I even had outfits picked out. What an F-ing waste.

This whole year has been very hard. I see people going on vacation and living their lives to the fullest. I’m just working, stuck at home. I feel so uphappy. I’m wasting my life and my youth. When will I be able to travel the world and enjoy my time? I’m 41 and wasting my time. I dont even have a passport. I’m a pathetic human being.